Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A man opens his refrigerator and th mayonnaise yells "Close the door! I'm dressing!".
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the demise of Juan Gonzalez . "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" "I don't know... But it sure made a hole in Juan."
The chicken crossing the road senario analyzed (Flashback to Bush/Kerry debates for reference):
GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE CHUCK NORRIS JOKES:
1. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
2. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
3. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
4. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
5. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
6. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
7. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
8. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
9. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
10. Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
11. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
12. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... Chuck Norris goes killing.
13. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
14. Time waits for no man... Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
15. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
16. Every night the boogy man checks his closet for Chuck Norris
17. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
19. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
20. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
And finally, back to corny humor...
Did you hear about the Hindu man who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?. . . . . (wait for it..)
He wanted to transcend dental medication. Get it? Ha, ha, ha!!!!!!
(Ok, miss that one?....parts of Hinduism believe in a concept of transcendental meditation... kind of high-leve l stuff after Chuck Norris, I know).
Thank, you...Thank you very much! You've been a great audience! Feel free to email me your corney jokes at danneils@gmail.com, and I will consider them for submission--taking credit of course.
