Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A man opens his refrigerator and the mayonnaise yells "Close the door! I'm dressing!"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the demise of Juan Gonzalez . "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" "I don't know... But it sure made a hole in Juan!" (ya get it...hahaha!)
Donna broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was fine.
What did the football coach shout to the broken vending machine? “Give me my quarter back!”
Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
Because he was on a roll.
Two peanuts met up in the street.
One cried out "I was asaulted!"
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE CHUCK NORRIS JOKES
(somewhat less offensive than 'Yo Momma' jokes) Sorry Chuck...
2. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
6. Chuck Norris can kill two birds with one stone.
8. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
13. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
14. Time waits for no man... Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
15. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
16. Every night the boogy man checks his closet for Chuck Norris
17. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
And finally, back to corny humor...
Did you hear about the Hindu man who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?. . . . . (wait for it..)
He wanted to transcend dental medication. Get it? Ha, ha, ha!!!!!!
(Ok, missed that one?....parts of Hinduism believe in a concept of transcendental meditation... play on words? kind of high-level stuff after Chuck Norris, I know).
OK for those of you who actually got through these I've added for 2018 a few bonus:
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
He takes things personally.
Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.
What do you call the sound a dog makes when it’s choking on a piece of its owner’s jewelry? A diamond in the ruff.
Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor — it rubbed me the wrong way.
My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can’t tell if the situation sucks or not.
My body is like a dictionary filled with blank pages: thick and no definition.
Thank, you...Thank you very much! You've been a great audience! Feel free to email me your corney jokes at firstname.lastname@example.org, and I will consider them for submission--taking credit of course.